This I believe
End of January 2007, I kissed my life in
upstate New York goodbye.
My kids all grown up in South Florida and Seattle, my body aching, my future in a dark storm cloud looming directly over me, I realized nothing made sense any longer. I signed over the apartment lease, gave the cat and plants new homes, divided my stuff between Salvation Army and storage, and drove out of state for a year of reflection and regrouping.
That really was the plan: a twelve-months’ sabbatical with exposure to new places and people, to recharge the battery, come back to Upstate and put all that newness in place for the next stage in my life: the golden years!
As I crossed the border into Pennsylvania and
waved New York goodbye, I knew I would never live there again. In one flash, my
neatly planned sabbatical became a pilgrimage.
Destiny: unknown,
Goals: keep breathing
Obligations: one and one only: connect with my core and find out what it wants, without the comfort of income, ruts to hide in, answers, securities or guarantees, while the world around me frayed.
Two years, I lived in a tug of war with my
feelings, my beliefs, torn between loss and gain, victory and defeat, with
plenty of anxiety and crises.
The agony over letting go of purpose, tasks, and routines that had defined me
for years, without replacements or even a clear definition for replacements,
made me so vulnerable it ached and paralyzed my thinking at times. The pressure
of creating an income that made sense was still a dark cloud refusing to move
on.
The one constant in all this utter confusion was the knowledge that I was on a pilgrimage and that pilgrims are supposed to be un-tethered, without structure or tasks other than being faithful to that pilgrimage and surrendering to the process.
If I remain faithful to my pilgrimage, it
will steer me where I have to go.
The more I recognize my fears for what they truly are and challenge them, the
more they become the very building-blocks
of my empire.
I push my skills and talents to get me where I need to be.
The more I extend and clarify myself, the greater the opportunity for cosmos,
soul, and Universe to find me and guide me.
My pilgrimage will be endless and the quest for Self and its manifestation will grow stronger as my pilgrimage continues.
This I believe
Dear Mariëlle,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your blog ‘this I believe’. While reading it a lot of questions came to mind. But I don’t go prying in your private life !! I try to ask you only two questions.
The reading made me wonder about my own life’s journey. I recognized elements, but it seems that a pilgrimage as you describe it, goes deeper than a journey or a sabbatical. Can you clarify the difference; ‘the flash’?
I imagine those two years must have been interesting. Lots of activities, situations, new people: what (who) brought you the moment of revelation? Light at the end of the tunnel? The life changer?
Sorry, a third question comes up: Do you still call your journey a pilgrimage?
Pauline, March 5th, 2026
ReplyDeleteThanks Pauline for your thoughtful questions.
Repeating what is more or less in the book first:
A Journey is an exploration, an expansion, adding impressions, experience, and people to your data base. A sabbatical if you will.
But, I didn’t leave my life behind to have a fun trip, to entertain myself, or sightsee, or rest, or meet new people and ideas for excitement. There was more to it.
A Pilgrimage involves making a fundamental change.
It’s a state of mind that is looking for internal meaning and purpose, something different from what I had until now, yet flowing from who I was. Does that make sense?
I didn’t become a different person when I left the house. I was me, going on a trip for a year to reset my mind-set. A journey with meaning?
And then the Universe thought differently:
Driving south on the highway out of State, I realized that this was going to be a much deeper experience, making fundamental changes not in who I am but in what I will be.
The next chapter, the next version of me? One thing was for sure: there would be no going back to NY State. I had packed up my life so the next phase would mean a new landing, not an empty nest I could crawl back into.
In hindsight it was a fantastic time. I feel very privileged that I was given the chance to let this process happen this way. A luxury really. During the first two years there was a lot of anxiety, fear for the unknown, vulnerability, feelings of loneliness, being out of place and money. I constantly had to push and convince myself that I would land on my feet.
When I finished the book and the money coaching became an option, I realized I had found my path. I had a focus now. I was quite a way away though, from establishing myself as the Money Whisperer and author, and replacing my income.
There is a place and time in everybody's life to make changes. We each determine the right depth for ourselves. My best advice is: listen to your body and your mind/heart. Recognize the signals.
Your questions have inspired me to write more about this topic I will post in more detail. Stay tuned.
Go well.